Calmly I walk downstairs expecting the worse to happen after not attending a family function last night. All I got was calm and peace knowing whatever sacrifices I made didn’t matter. Everything didn’t seem to fit anymore the way that normally would on a fine cloudy and rainy morning.
Last night upon return home from work on 05:30PM, I sang happy anniversary to the familiar tune of happy birthday. It was their anniversary and my birthday. And we all should have been happy. I told them I had eaten a big lunch and will take a nap before going out to dinner.
Mysteriously, my energy started to diminish around 02:00PM after eating that sandwich as I sluggishly tried to work at my desk with half-opened eyes. As always in my diligent ways, I managed to finish the daily lockbox work from the bank and applied whatever cash receipt payments towards the customers’ accounts in our newly upgraded accounting system. I don’t like the way the system is set up but that’s typical of any company where nothing is ever perfect. I shut down my computers at work and carefully drove home.
My system shut down around 06:00PM and did not fully recover until 07:30PM local times. My sleep was restless as I tossed and turned a bit before drifting to this state of half consciousness. I couldn’t move a muscle and didn’t know what was happening. I decided to let the sleepiness over come me. I decided to let my bio-units down.
It was a time for celebrating and I imaged the four (my bio-units, Brat and Twit) were having fun without me. My lack of enthusiasm didn’t phase their enjoyment together. I’ve always been the extra body of any even numbered parties all this time. Couples were seen side by side; I watched alone.
And there I was. I was alone again only this time on the comfort of my bed in the security of my bedroom. The logic was I had too much to eat during lunch worth over six dollars in cash. And I didn’t feel the need to sit at a dinner while others ate moderately expensive meals. I’d be sitting alone again for not participating in the feeding frenzy.
I felt I’ve eaten enough for that one day. I felt’s I’ve had my fill of togetherness. I wanted to be left alone and apart from people that seems nice and friendly. They were not angry but calm, understanding and forgiving. Usually there would be loudness and proof of encouragement to get up and go outside to have fun. That time was a sign of discouragement that all is not well.
I was filling myself up with every notion of escaping, of leaving a place of comfort and joy, of moving on to experience true freedom in friendship and of exploring different surroundings wherever true love and peace may be. I was seeking to leave everything I cherish behind – a home where parakeet friends and family live and laugh and a work where friends and strangers alike annoy and cajole.
I am full of high hopes and great expectations. Finding other like myself and living in family units to understand my life’s purpose has been pointless. I have my family here and now but something else is missing and that is the void in my life.
It’s not the having of the millions in assets, rearing of many children, nurturing of family members or showing off to friends and relatives. It’s not the temporary high of laughter from snorting milk through one’s nose or of glucose from eating carbohydrates like mounds of spaghetti drowned in marinara sauce. But it’s the responsibility of feeling fulfilled.
I needed to be fulfilled. My basic needs have been met only if I behave to the norms set by society, which is to do as I am told so that people like me won’t get hurt now or in the future. I know something beyond me is waiting and I keep asking myself, “What’s next?” The vision is currently blurry but may have already found my calling which is to blog for fun.
My small public that may reading this current blog know that there have been trials along the way for this past month. I’ve posted over forty blogs so far and have tried to imagine that all my readers have learned that my ranting and ravings are pretty much true to real life. I’ve made up some names to avoid hurting the ones I love but the essence of each blog is to shed some light to my public what could happen to anyone.
Many things could happen to anyone. And that’s why I choose to blog my memoirs in this manner before I go flying off somewhere.
Anyone has a story to tell and blogging everyday allows the writer to share the small world of a simple person. Story writing is creative. And once that creative aspect in a person’s being has been accessed, there is no stopping the ball from rolling. My mind would fly far off to discover all the beauty the universe could hold and then come back to report the many findings that have occurred in a par second.
Nothing could ever been hidden from the eyes of the public. Only a caged hamster has a way of hiding its droppings. Everyone in the future may be able to read each others mind and when that happens no one could ever hide from the truth. Although my blogs may be revealing at times, that is me and my experiences no matter how subjective.
If my readers have not yet been feeling the full effects of my beautiful stories by now, please continue to tune in to more of my funny blogging. I enjoy knowing there are still some fans of mine flying somewhere out there above this great big ball we call Earth.
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Saturday March 11, 2006 – 10:20am (PST) Edit | Delete | Permanent Link | 0 Comments
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