Flynn's Paws: My Thoughts, My Gripes

Tag: humor

  • Leaking toilet…

    If you ever get a toilet that continues to flush softly, here is a simple solution.

    Open the toilet cover. Do not be afraid of the water or if the tank looks dirty. Just scrub it down with cleaners and a good pair of rubber gloves.

    Reach in and remove the flapper that covers the drainage from the tank. If you have that soft, black-colored flapper, you are in luck!

    Now take you flapper to a nearby sink. Make sure you use a good liquid detergent and a sponge for scrubbing down the slimy, film residue sticking on the it.

    After ringing the flapper thoroughly, replace it. Voila!

    Now test the toilet by flushing. If it sticks, rejoice! If the flapper doesn’t stick to the drainage after several attempts, buy a new flapper or call a plumber!

  • Dealing with Illegal Naughtiness

    During the long three hour visit with an elderly Filipino couple recently, the old fart told us of how certain Vietnamese parishioners tend to “fib”. In return, I told the old guy how opportunistic they and the Chinese are — by giving food in the hopes of getting something good in return. They are also very well “informed”. By that, I mean that they would asking “frank” questions or phrase their stories so that you could share yours. Of course, he cited examples.

    One Viet would sit at the frontmost pew. She would leave earlier and argued that she had to work. She was seen casually walking around slowly. Leaving early would upset most priest, one of which would be seen visibly shaking his head in disapproval.

    A couple of Vietnamese ladies sit towards the backmost pews. They would talk constantly throughout the service. There were told to shut-up or leave. One Viet took a cellphone call and argued that someone “died”. She was told to shut-up and take her conversation outdoors. In both instances, it is not polite to talk or use the cellphone during the service.

    Tip of the day: Don’t give out too much detail of your life. That’s what I mean by soft tyranny from within — degutting the clueless slowly until feeding time. Tell them the facts by saying as the old fart once said: While you were “fresh off the boat”, I was here first and paying my taxes. Therefore, this place is mine.”

  • Buffalo Horn Hair

    This morning I awoke and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. Lo and behold! I saw two horns flipped outward to form what appeared to be buffalo horns. The left “horn” was stretched out at my eye level. The right “horm” was hidden somewhere. I showed Maw and she smiled and told me to wet it down.

    With my high forehead and poofed out hair, the lowered horns gave me the appearance of a buffalo.

  • Heart Bosom Cloud

    Two days ago and as a usual morning routine, I had opened up the blinds. But this time, I saw something special indeed — the upper part of a heart cloud (or two bumps of a bosom). It was through the upstairs window to my computer bedroom did I get that surprise greeting. Haha! Funny.

  • 20110425-Wisdom’s Words

    Here are a few notable words of wisdom from “Uncle Ben”:

    “I don’t have anything to do with you. Since we cannot work well together, please leave me alone. Go away. Now that you’ve upset me, I have to say five rosaries just to calm down, cleanse my conscious and ask the Lord for forgiveness.”

    “You can lead a donkey to water. But you cannot make it drink the water. That’s how illogical these people operate. Morons.”

    “There are two only things left in America: taxation and debt.”

    “In the Coptic belief, one lady told me of how Jesus descended into hell to retrieve Adam and Eve, along with the descendants into heaven. That’s why it’s important to pray for the souls in purgatory and most especially in hell.”

    “Dear Son: Now that you are married, you have to live with the consequences that I have warned you about — the girl is rude to you and your family. Her priority is her family and not you. Instead, you choose to disobey our wishes and pursue your desires. As a result, you must NOT divorce her for the sake of her daughter from the first marriage and your daughter with her.”

  • 20110412-Humor Me

    During Tuesday’s lunch at home, the boy was being railed upon by his family units again. But he managed to tell a joke with one of his co-workers, who plans to move to the Northwest section of the Union from Tennessee. You see, he is truly a country boy from the heartlands, all religious and such, and a VERY tall mixed breed from VERY short parents of a white dad and a Korean mom.

    One conversation was about the Japanese earthquake and the effects of radiation. Of course, the boy had cracked a joke about how God would send radiation to San Francisco where lots of gays lived and that if the gays were to evacuate from the alleged fallout, they would move out of town, say, to Tennessee! Well, the “red neck”, being quite conservative wouldn’t have none of that kind of talk. He retorted: “They better not come over or I’ll use my gun on them!”

    You see, his dad and he hunts. His dad believes that: “If you want to be tall, you have to eat meat!” The country boy further went to claim that: “The bloody raw meat is actually better than cooked one. And it’s safe because the flesh is so dense that the parasites can only penetrate the top layer of skin.” It’s not like these folks would harm anyone. But those with guns know how to use it for food and defense.

  • 20110415-Humor Me

    While still seat to digest this morning’s breakfast at Denny’s, I brought up Allan B. as being a good boy to his mommy. He is married to a big cow from Mexico and from the looks of the wedding album he wasn’t smiling while holding the hands of his new bride, who was obviously glowing with joy for a potential green card!

    With him being a good boy and all, I then mentioned how he replaced his Ford Mustang with a Ford Focus as a phase from boyhood to manhood. And Maw was being a wise crack: “Of course, Allan had to buy a new car! It’s because the big butt of his wife won’t fit in the small seats of that sports car!”

    Paw love slapstick jokes and actually smiled even though he was in a foul mood this morning, repeating displeasures of a dirty leather seat of the restaurant’s booth and having the extra five bucks ready in his pocket for “Thuy”, the nice Vietnamese waitress who is pregnant with her Filipino husband’s first child. Yuch!

    Anyway, I wonder why Allan hasn’t made a kid yet, compared to these mass-producing chickens. It’s because he is still a white boy at heart, only balding and taller. The way he kissed his new bride was like a chicken — one peck on the lips and in obvious wonderment if his cow was real!

  • 20110402-Daily Post

    The last person I’d want to be stuck in an elevator is my doppelganger! OMG! She won’t look presentable at all — no make-up to hide the blemishes of her combination skin and uneven skin complexion, no sense of style for hair (which was cut too short that it makes her looks “boyish”),clothing (which is really meant for the senior citizens) and accessories (which doesn’t match with her mostly gold jewelry and one stainless steel watch she ever owned), and no perfume, meaning I’d smell her malodorous presence as would a devil (or the aromatic smell coming from my favorite garlic and onion).
    —
    Topic #92: Who is the last person you’d want to be stuck in an elevator with? And why?

  • 20110329-More Spooks

    “Good boy!” I said under my breath to “Coach John” in the feign attempt to catch his attention as he left the printer area. “You can afford it!” I mumbled further.

    All I could do is to humor myself. Sure he looks better in good clothes. There’s no need to hide behind T-shirts and jeans. I used to wear VERY casual clothes at my REAL job that paid TWICE as a data entry here at this “temp job from hell”! People respected me better there because they are really seasoned compared to this temporary rat hole of a job.

    Speaking of “rats”, whenever you see the word “rat” in a surname (or last name) of a person, you can be sure that person has South Asian Indian ancestry or that they are reincarnated from RATS — dirty or otherwise! Bahahaha!

    Anyway, since this “good boy” acts spoiled in his good-humored way at work, I would assume that he is wealthy enough to get a master’s degree and afford nice clothes.

    With that said, I would visualize him dripping with lots of jewelry all over his gold-colored clothing and slippers, too. Just dazzling! Seriously, he would look wonderful in a wedding with his beautiful wife (or wives). I can see large grin full of white-washed teeth!

  • 20110327-Daily Post

    The only time I’ve ever been on fire was when I had my hemorrhoids! That’s right! The tissues came out and the over-the-counter creams didn’t help alleviate the symptoms of fire burning! The digestive enzymes I took was too strong for my innards, which of course retaliated and therefore after a bout of several gaseous farting episodes did they come out of hiding one day! The nights were unbearable. Sitting was excruciating.

    And the primary doctor offered to tie it off with the rubber band so as to CHOKE OFF the precious blood supply to the VERY sensitive rectal area and allow the dead tissues to fall off on their own. That ideas wasn’t too likely to have occurred. For one night, I decided to stick one bold finger up my behind and force the TENDER inflammation back indoors — VERY slowly. And with brute force, the sphincter muscles were tightened to keep them from rolling back outdoors.

    Alas, the self-help technique removed the burning sensation. Later on, a benevolent suggested to wash my butt hole with the HOTTEST water tolerable. WARMER water tends to shrink the hemorrhoid, not the cold water. With a new habit in place, a pitcher of HOT water is used to clean the behind (much like a bidet). The result is proof on a much CLEANER toilet paper. Try it. It works better than wiping dry skin.
    —
    Topic #83: What’s the most on fire you’ve ever been? Figuratively, literally, whatever.

  • 20110317-Humor Me

    Darn! That cute guy is wearing an emerald, green-colored T-shirt. I wonder why he keeps wearing blue jeans. He looks much BETTER in slacks, IMHO.

    That means I can NOT pinch him or any cute, single guys and get a good laugh today. But the ones who didn’t wear green today for St. Patrick’s Day won’t be pinched by me because they are MARRIED with/out children! You can tell the FOREIGNERS won’t wear green because they have no clue on how to have fun.

  • 20110316-Humor Me

    So what took me couple of minutes to figure out yesterday took five minutes for three monkeys to remove the paper jams from the printer near the SLAMMING back door.

    They laughed and joked about “making copies”, like the SNL guy who is part Filipino but looks totally White. I was making faces, too.

    So if it takes three bananas to resolve a problem, how many more banana is needed to change a Thomas Edison light-bulb? None! Because women prefer compact lightbulbs. It’s curlier and hard to dust but it’s not hard to figure out!