Flynn's Paws: My Thoughts, My Gripes

Tag: humor

  • 20111210-Humor Time

    Here are my notes via the “Memo” app of my cellphone over breakfast:

    12/10/2011 09:36am. Paw was talking about a priest from his hometown in Tuy, Batangas, Philippines. Father De Leon was his name. Rumor has it that the priest was a pedophile. The boys he molested were too ashamed to tell of their tales. One classmate of Paw may have been molested by this priest. Even the Sacritas (the altar server boys) cannot complain. Two of Paw’s grand-uncles were alleged molested: Chu-Pabling and Chu-whoever. Overall, there were too many alleged gays in that town. But that was over fifty years ago. I do not know about now.

    12/10/2011 09:26am. Maw was slicing yesterday’s small Fuji apples from “Binh” who had harvested from his backyard a while back. Most of these “bad apples” were still good. But they had bruises and dark holes from bugs that went through the skin of red, yellow and green. I joked that it was good to leave some “Vitamin P” for protein from the bugs. Later I told Paw a different joke about “Vitamin S” for smoke as told by Uncle Ver three years ago during a Christmas dinner at our home with his second wife, of course.

  • 20111204-Humor Time

    We attended evening mass on Saturday and there were four priests — three Filipinos and one Taiwanese, who didn’t laugh at jokes by a dark-skinned, short-necked celebrant, who started his sermon by mentioning “international accents.

    Next, he explained Advent and the preparation of the coming of Christ, end times in 2012 or whatever. He then fingered the wreath and pointed out that it won’t wither because it was plastic, and how one of four candle was pink because they ran out of purple ones.

    He took his sermon to describe preparations for Christmas. In some Filipino households, Christmas trees are put up on November 1st and taken down around the first Sunday of January or February or stayed up for the next year.

    He suggested that Christmas presents are exchanged with a knife set given to mother-in-laws. This means that in-laws don’t get along. I am not surprised.

    —

    I took notes around 11:09 and 11:13am.

  • 20111119-Humor Time

    Somewhere in California, two souls exchange thoughts:

    Him:”Hope you are doing well up there*.”

    Her:”Hope you are doing well “down there**”.”

    —

    *North of his location in Los Angeles.
    **South of her location in San Jose

  • 20111201-Funny Term

    Since I cannot find a bra size of 40B, I prefer “freeboobing”.

    http://www.urbandictionary.com/iphone/#define?term=Freeboobing

    Posted from WordPress for Android

  • 20111118-Humor Time

    Here are my notes via the “Memo” apps of my cellphone at 14:05pm:

    How bad are actors?

    • When “demons” are straight.
    • When they are “pro” tests.

  • Would removing all guns from earth make us more or less safe?

    Would removing all guns from earth make us more or less safe?

    We would be more safe without guns/pistols/cannons. But human/hybrids are still a dangerous and violent species. Even if guns were removed from earth, there are other “weapons of mass destructions”, such as kitchen knives/machetes, nuclear arms, nail guns, Molotov cocktails, bolos, sling shots, bows and arrows, pitchforks, baseball bats, bare knuckles and fists, frying pans, blood curdling screams, blow guns, rocks/stones, mud/dirt, spears, stars, batons, kicking, punching, guard dogs, hot oil, boiling water, pins/needles, fly swatters, a can of Raid/soap and water, bio-chemical agents/laundry detergents/bleach/cleaners, sneezes, coughs, contagious blood/urine/sebum/waste, etc…

  • 20111110-Random Thoughts

    Here are my notes via the “Memo” app of my cellphone:

    11/10/2011 10:50am: After briefly speaking with Arcy, Maw’s former co-worker, who now has diabetes, too, and during one VERY slow circuit around the Great Mall, I mumbled under my breath something about turning into a grandmother or grandfather and being proud. It was really directed to beautiful young people who don’t have children yet.

    11/10/2011 08:34am: After this morning’s mass, I had to take my quick notes about how Paw would say: “Very interesting.” This thought occurred after thinking about how “greys” (or extra-dimensional beings/scientists) removed an imaginary piece of white-colored cancer material from an abductee/patient and place the cancerous speciman on a petri dish.

    11/10/2011 08:21am: I would say, “Blessed be the Holy Spirit, the Parakeet.” From the Divine Praises (during the Benediction of the Blessed Sacrament), the correct word should be the Paraclete.

  • 20111105-Prayer Journal

    In recent news,

    Catholic Church unveils strict Latin translation, biggest change to Mass in 40 years
    New English-version debuts nationwide Nov. 27

    BY Lore Croghan
    NEW YORK DAILY NEWS
    Saturday, November 5 2011, 10:18 PM

    “The city’s Roman Catholics are preparing for the biggest change to the Mass in 40 years, a new English translation that will be rolled out nationwide Nov. 27.”

    View a front and back image of the sample changes to the updated congregational responses for mass according to the New Translation of the Roman Missal.

    Here are my humorous interpretations of the changes in parenthesis:

    • And with your spirit. (The Lord be within/inside you.)
    • I have greatly sinned. (That makes us really bad.)
    • through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault; therefore… (The letter “F” in our alphabet is the sixth letter. Therefore, saying the word “fault” three times gives us a Satanic, numerical value of “6-6-6”!)
    • Have mercy on us, O Lord. For we have sinned against you. Show us, O Lord, your mercy. (I would like to know how we have sinned and why the Lord has not struck us down dead yet for all those sins!)
    • on earth peace to people of good will. (That means only the good guys get peace, not the bad guys on earth.)
    • We praise you, we bless you, we adore you, we glorigy you, we give you thanks for your great glory. (Hey! How about giving people credit for staying alive?)
    • O God, almighty Father, Only Begotten Son, Son of the Father, (I believe there are many sons and daughters of God, who may prefer diversity over singularits.)
    • you take away the sins of the world, receive our prayer, have mercy on us. (Yes. Please take us off this hellish planet.)
    • O… (Oh, Lord! Not again!)
    • I believe… things visible and invisible… (Same thing. Longer words.)
    • I believe… Begotten… born… before all ages… (You mean timeless eras?)
    • consubstantial… and by… was incarnate… (That’s another long word. And now there is the New Age concept of incarnation and/or Eastern philosophies of rebirths.)
    • he suffered death and rose again on the third day… accordance with… (Excellent! That means his bloodline is still alive! Whoo! Hoo!)
    • I believe… who… is adored… who… (Who cares?)
    • I believe… I confess… and I look forward… (Okay. We Catholics believe in the afterlife, just like ancient Egyptians once did. But look at them mummies now!)
    • holy… (That means sacrifices will be accepted by only the HOLY.)
    • And with your spirit. It is right and just. (So are we supposed to give it up just like that?)
    • Holy, Holy, Holy Lord God of hosts. (Okay. Then who are the parasites?)
    • The mystery of faith. (Blind faith is not good.)
    • We proclam your Death, O Lord, and profess your Resurrection until you come again. (Umm. They’re here!)
    • O Lord, again. (That’s right. O Lord, again!)
    • Save us, Savior of the world, for… (Are we that hopeless and helpless?)
    • And with your spirit. (The Lord be within/inside you.)
    • Behold… behold him… (What’s with the Lamb?)
    • Blessed are… to the supper of the Lamb… (Really! What’s up with the Lamb?)
    • that you should enter under my roof,… my soul… (So spiritual possession inside my mind is a good thing?)
    • And with your spirit. (The Lord be within/inside you.) — Spiritual possession!!!

  • Protect peace…

    In recent news,

    An Open Letter to the Citizens of Oakland from the Oakland Police Officers’ Association
    1 November 2011 – Oakland, Ca.

    “We represent the 645 police officers who work hard every day to protect the citizens of Oakland. We, too, are the 99% fighting for better working conditions, fair treatment and the ability to provide a living for our children and families. We are severely understaffed with many City beats remaining unprotected by police during the day and evening hours.

    As your police officers, we are confused.”

    —

    Oh, okay. Just be aware that we “commoners” (with and without “common sense”) are on the same level — the bottom. These noise makers might have families, too, just like you.

    And if martial law ever does happen because these frustrated people are making the rest of us pay for your OVERTIME, don’t EVER forget what it was like to live free in a country free of hatred, anger, violence and cooties.

    TPTB and pals are using YOU, your family and these disenfranchised people against each other to get what they want: more control of the population, life, liberty and happiness. Hmm. I guess “Hegelian Dialectic” is truly working, after all.

    Remember: the only thing we have in “common” is aging and death. Everything else is living a good life without the corruption of your heart, minds and souls, even if you must die for freedom.

    But you are supposed to protect these people from each other and themselves and, of course, keep the peace by saying the right words. Or if you don’t have anything nice to say, say little to nothing.

    After your shift, take a shower to remove the bad energy and don’t forget to symbolically wash your unwanted iniquities away from your hands.

  • Bring own lunches…

    Monday Muffin
    Image via Wikipedia

    In recent news,

    “$16 muffins didn’t exist, according to inspector general”
    By MACKENZIE WEINGER | 10/28/11 4:00 PM EDT Updated: 10/29/11 12:21 PM EDT

    There will be no more huffin’ and puffin’ about that $16 muffin.

    On Friday, the Justice Department inspector general apologized for claiming in a recent report that taxpayers had paid $16 per muffin at a recent department conference. The IG admitted now that such muffins never existed.

    —

    To those government “officials” (i.e. Senate, Congress and White House) using their food allowances (courtesy of the hard-working America taxpayers): you all should be ashamed of yourselves! Bring your own lunch in brown paper bags like every commoner!

    After you are done eating your meal from home, be sure to recycle your brown paper lunch bags. Instead of throwing it away, you could use your used lunch bag as either a vomit bag or urinal bag. Better yet, if you happen to have a pet dog, you may wish to use your lunch bags to pick up the poop left behind by your mutt.

  • 20111102-Humor Time

    Here are some funny words to describe popular newspapers (liberal or right wing, I cannot tell) as used by a syndicated spook and pal(s) over the airwaves:

    • Associated Depressed
    • The New York Slimes
    • Washington Compost
    • Huffington Puffington Post

    If you know anymore versions, you may post a comment/leave a reply.

  • 20111029-Humor Time

    As per my notes via the “Memo” app of my cellphone on 10/29/2011 at 20:30pm, there was a brief video showing Nancy Pelosi and pals on a popular news cable network. The old fart was symbolically carrying that big, shiny gavel, all the way up to the microphone.

    Maw didn’t like her and those thugs. She said:

    “She should have her head “pook-pook” with that hammer!”

    Gladly, Maw!