Flynn's Paws: My Thoughts, My Gripes

Tag: humor

  • 20080919-Bad Squirrel

    Foamy, you are a bad squirrel! How dare you mock moi by using my ‘real’ initials of F. B. for your latest episode entitled FORUM BORE ‘EM — ‘A RANT ABOUT FORUMS & CLOSE-MINDED BLOGGER ASSHOLES…!’ How dare mock your ‘fellow brother’ by using his level degree of ‘33‘ for you weblink!

    You will offer us an apology of walnuts, free T-shirts and mugs sporting your anger and hatred for us forum participants and blogging perfections. You will bow down to your Almighty God, the Kitty Kat known as ‘Flynn’s Paws’! You shall become our newest pet and take your place beneath our ever watchful eyes as we rake your gray furs off your back with our sharpened claws.

    ‘Flynn’ has become very cross at your foul-mouth and grows quite impatient at your belligerent behavior. It’s all because you too, my little ‘friend’, cannot get a life away from your computer and your addiction to Macromedia. Try as you may we will continue to rant about our opinions. This is our purpose to tell the truth, which you and your pea-brain cannot understand.

    Open your eyes, you gray squirrel! You are tiny and a rodent. We are mighty and much more. We pray that you will turn away from the dark forces which possess your hardened heart and blackened website. All hail to ‘Flynn’s Blogs’, an ego extraordinaire! She has spoken but is sleepy. But will Foamy listen? Meh!

    Copyright © 2008 by Fluffy von der Flynn. All rights reserved.

  • 20080918-Speed Save

    An open letter to ‘Mike’, ‘George’, ‘Condi’ and ‘Robin’ meant to humor y’all.

    Greetings:

    Could y’all please speed things up a bit? The very expensive, red tape is long and overdue! I have some people to take care of over here at the home front and they are starving to the point of being homeless but not hopeless, of mostly being nasty and some being nice, though thankful. I didn’t wait over eight slong years for my personal ‘war’ with each of your agents, who continue to drag my patience towards to the next ‘damn tool’, whoever he/she/it may be for all of us. I will not ‘be nice’ and put up with more deceits, betrayals, lies or whatever transparency y’all happen to create out of thin air. This decision is not voluntary. I did not take up my place to be fooled any longer. I am prepared to make some stinky, smelly ‘poop’ as soon as my organic milk works its wonders on my digestive system.

    Sincerely,
    Evil Kitty

    Copyright © 2008 by Fluffy von der Flynn. All rights reserved.

  • 20080821-For Sale

    It`s a great brouhaha! So I`ve been meaning to either take a photo of this `gag` shirt or post the words through this blog entry. I do wear these kinds of shirts for laughs but none seems to take notice. I`s an ad for Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. Below are the words as it appears on the back of this t-shirt:

    FOR SALE

    WIFE

    (MY) HOUSE, (MY) CAR, LOTS OF JEWELRY, CLOTHES
    (Including the shirt off my back).

    ORIGINAL OWNER, ALL PAPERWORK INCLUDED, MUST SELL…
    MOVING TO BANKRUPTCY COURT.
    BODY IN EXCELLENT CONDITION (RARELY USED, NEVER DRIVEN HARD).
    LOW MILEAGE, RUNS QUIET WITH FULL TANK, NOT AN ECONOMIC MODEL!!!
    NEEDS TUNE UP & LUBRICATION.

    TERMS OF SALE:

    TAKE OVER PAYMENTS!

    Copyright © FVDF. All rights reserved.

  • 20080717-Catching Fish

    Okay, I’ve been lurking on the internet a few minutes ago while being bored with myself, alone upstairs after hearing more delays of some unfinished business. And it so happens that I came across some interesting sites beginning with a female disc jockey. From there I clicked on some of her links and, lo and behold, found more tidbits about a dedicated blogger and his websites on world travelling adventures and (of all sorts) an online dating service! Egads!

    I’ve narrowed down a general online search by entering one of his two aliases and read as much as I could. Of course, there was much learning made tonight. And I laughed off pretty much a good portion of my brain cells. As a result, I’ve sustained a slight head pressure somewhere between in the eyes and towards the middle of my big brain. My laughter continues as I enter this particular blog. I guess this is how people meet each other. How sad indeed!

    Anyway, if I were to sign up for one of these services, I would need some catchy username to reel in the stinkiest, smelliest prized fish of the sea (maybe dolphin because they are sentient beings and probably too smart compared to me). For starters, here are some of my brainstorming ideas on a catchy username I could use on a ‘dating website’:

    ‘smelly-catch-of-the-day’
    ‘catch-me-if-you-can’
    ‘super-catch’
    ‘gamers-only’

    I dunno if these four would make or break a relationship but whatever happens, we all need good luck with our find.

    Once again, I twiddle my thumbs about hope, love and light. Until something happens, I cannot travel to the moon and back, meet interesting people from all walks of life or even sign up for some classes, like hula dancing, parenting my parents or massage techniques. Dude! I made a promise; so we will leave it at that for now until further notice. God! You people make me laugh. Sheesh!

    Copyright © 2008 by Fluffy von der Flynn. All rights reserved.

  • 20080623-Which Character

    Here’s a story for you kiddies:

    Once upon a time the Dude meets Fluffy Bunny

    Everyone has a little Big Lebowski in them. This quiz is designed to reveal your inner Lebowski… Created a long time ago…but updated 7-10-05

    Q: You wake up in the morning and get dressed. What do you put on?
    A: Not a dress…ever…

    Q: Which of the following sounds most like something you’d say?
    A: screeeeeeeeeech!

    Q: You’re decorating a room. What do you put in it?
    A: A rug, to tie the room together.

    Q: What do you think about sex?
    A: Well, that’s quite a subject…

    Q: What’s your biggest concern?
    A: Respect for veterans!

    Q: Do you have a lot of friends?
    A: I’m a stranger to everyone.

    Q: If you had a pet, what would it be?
    A: Something that likes kids.

    Q: Whats your claim to fame?
    A: I’m rich…and I have the key to the city! Poop on you!

    Q: Which do you find most enjoyable?
    A: Waving my money around.

    Q: Do you like to bowl?
    A: Bowling alleys are dreadful places…

    Q: What do you hate the most?
    A: Introducing myself when I move to a new neighborhood.

    According to the “Which Big Lebowski character are you?” quiz:

    Tell the world! Paste the following code in to your blog, website, livejournal, deadjournal, or whatever.

    According to the “Which Big Lebowski character are you?” quiz:

    Why don’t you check it out? Or we cut off your Johnson!

  • 20080202-Buddha’s Being

    Why is Buddha smiling?

    He is smiling because he knows more than we could ever realize about ourselves. He laughs in the faces of those who take his philosophy too seriously and turns his enlightened thoughts into a religion – Buddhism. A simple smile is a reflection of one’s current state of mind and is quite contagious when others see a sincere smile. For those with good teeth of pearly white, a bigger smile is better. Furthermore, he believes in doing nothing to justify his existence by sitting and praying everyday and as a result has gained unhealthy pounds over the course of his life.

    Why is Buddha fat?

    He is fat because he eats too much for his own good. His followers don’t understand that he is diabetic and all those food left on his alter goes right to his thighs but more noticeably to his big guts. He wants more than oranges and tea as food offerings. That is why there are different kinds of food besides soup and vegetable, both of which are boring when eaten every day! Noone has died a quick death from eating fatty meat or decadent chocolate, either. It’s moderation that is important for good health but Buddha doesn’t care because eating is his passion.

    Why is Buddha bald?

    He is bald because he has been pulling his hair out of frustration. His followers believe in killing the female babies and in supporting superstitious belief systems, like Feng Shui and lunar cycles. The fear-mongers need not utilize scare tactics to control people. People are by nature imperfect, misbehaving once in awhile, but are not stupid to go along with what everyone else in a particular group dictates as the norm of society. His baldness represents his removal from anything belonging to this world, a form of ego – self-centeredness, including the high maintenance of hair.

    Author’s note: No religion or philosophy is perfect. People need to think well on their own for once. Each person must learn to discern his/her/its own truth and not go along with any religious dogma. That is why the head (rational mind) is placed over the heart (emotional kind) and everything else, err, below (uncontrollable grind).

    Copyright © 2008 by Fluffy von der Flynn. All rights reserved.

  • 20071205-Helping List

    Yeah, ‘Santa’ in his jolly red suit is none other than a f@t b@st@rd, whose likes wear islander shirts with flowery designs. ‘Santa’ has been extremely naughty for holding back our Christmas presents. As a result, he has suddenly ‘come down’ with some sort of flu-like symptom since Thanksgiving holiday.

    I called him several time to hear his raspy voice barely audible above a whisper. He sounded horrible as if under attack by a host of angry elves. ‘Santa’ might have accidently stepped on some sensitive toes on a bunch of unionized helpers, who may have overlooked many nice children. They appeared to have been tangled in a bunch of red ribbons.

    In the meantime, ‘Mrs. Claus’ is up to her ears in gingerbread men, whose caroling rattles the foundation of her newly formed gingerbread homes. Their fake gingerbread cars are falling apart, too. And just as she ran out of sugar to pipe the pieces together, the oven got hotter and out exploded the rest of the gingerbread gangs.

    But help is on the way! I wonder how the North Pole is going to deal with the influx of unanswered letters sent by greedy, selfish brats who already have more than enough goodies to fill one room to the ceiling. Maybe for good public relations, flying reindeers could tow in a savior — someone to help bring back the snow and stop this alleged global warming.

    Copyright © 2007 by Fluffy von der Flynn. All rights reserved.

  • 20071022-Gun Joke

    There was once two very poor Filipino guys from the countryside where farming communities has been steadily given way to more lucrative job markets in the city. Both have been out of work, have family to support and are the verge of starvation and eviction from their rented space of relatives. One day each decided to rob a bank for much needed cash.

    The first guy seemed very burly and packed a big pistol. He went up to the teller and said, ‘Give me all you money.’ When the teller refused once, the man got upset and pointed his handgun up in the air. The sounds ‘BANG! BANG! BANG‘ soon followed. And this frightened the teller, who gave up whatever money the burly man wanted and didn’t want to get hurt because he was too big and scary. Noone was harmed during the incident and the man managed to escape to live happily ever after.

    The second guy seemed very frail and packed a smaller pistol. He went up to the teller and said in a weak voice, ‘Give me all your money.’ The teller couldn’t hear the man and asked, ‘What did you say?’ The man tried asking the same question but in a louder tone. But still the teller couldn’t hear the man. After a third attempt, the man got impatient and pointed his handgun up in the air, too. The sounds ‘Aye-putok! Aye-putok! Aye-putok!‘ was heard and that made the teller laugh out loud because she knew that this one was a not a dude like the burly man but a dud. Noone was harmed during this incident and because he was too slow to escape, he ended up in jail.

    Author’s note: Credit for this joke goes to ‘Shiva-Paw’, who has been telling me joke for the longest time but I had never gotten a chance to enter as a blog. Added more detail to the storyline of his shortened version.

    Copyright © 2007 by Fluffy von der Flynn. All rights reserved.

  • 20071010-Daily Diary

    20071010-0925PM-Daily Thoughts

    Saw right eye — light from right to left.
    At same time, felt jolt throughout system.

    Saturday, October 13, 2007 9:57:44 AM

    Felt jolt throughout system.
    After I thought and mentioned about ‘Bb’ (aka ‘Garlic’).
    Jerk: what you all did could land you in jail.

    Wednesday, October 10, 2007 5:52:32 PM

    Polarized sunglasses are basically designed to reduce glare. I got my prescriptive pair at my local optometrist office but I lost this $400.00 pair while shopping after a baseball game up in Oakland, CA. There are inexpensive pairs online and at the local drug stores too.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polarization

    I suppose if there is are objects zipping way too fast for conventional airplanes or jets from those lenticular formations, then one may consider visual encounters of the ‘first kinds’.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Close_encounter

    Pictures or videos taken with polarized filters could also be useful to support objectively what one could see subjectively with your polarized sunglasses.

    So far there are no noticeable lenticular cloud formations around my area for me to try this neat experiment. There are also polarized filters for cameras and videos that may show.

    Although those polarized sunglasses allow me to see lots of rainbow colored effects on the dashboard and the uneven appearances on the windshields while driving in my car, the sight was quite dizzying and distracting.

    11:09PM

    http://www.ebaumsworld.com/pictures/view/41127/

    Heard copter overhead while trying to make image of dancing black girl turn counter-clockwise.
    The best way to reverse the turning is by forcing the mind to look and the shadow below and reset to the opposite direction.
    First time I could ‘control’ a two-dimensional image with my mind.

    911 Trek: Star Trek crew playing poker and voice overs regarding 911 Inside job.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_Dj2B0OO4s

    SADDAM IS NOT DEAD! by tamlac00
    Ach du liber!

    Mashup: Numa Numa + Angry German Kid + Star Wars Kid by kliqueman

    OSHO – Strange Consequences by OSHOInternational

    After Friedrich Nietzsche declared that “God is Dead” – the word F*CK has become the most important word in the English language.

  • 20070917-Daily Diary

    Monday, September 17, 2007 10:43:00 PM
    Two big German Shepards
    With their masters in tow

    San Francisco go dogs and police master walked into train going to Montgomery to pick up three Rolex watches. Was wearing my dark shades. Muhahaha.

  • 20070720-Probing Prezz

    I see lots going on the headline press and this includes the ‘president’, who is now temporarily the ‘vice’, which in the dictionary is a word to mean something bad. I bet a non-public figure would be embarrassed to publicize a colonoscopy.

    So, while the former is having his butt hole probed and his innards examined, our Fifth Amendment rights have been literally signed away. That means anything of value should no longer be considered assets. Our right ‘to remain silent’ may be jail time for burping or farting too loudly and in public.

    Although the two polyps are supposedly benign in nature, an Iraq war continues. Despite that over night by the ‘senate’ on July 18, 2007, a couple of these ‘asset’ are set to be removed symbolically.

    This is primarily due to the delay on bringing home the ‘servers’ around April 2008 and the funds to the military, whose job is to en-force its power upon the sleeping ‘persons’ with arms, are in turn delayed.

    Going forward means evolving from the old, beaten path of systematically brainwashing the Americanized ‘citizens’ into believing the unreal — an Iraq war. Obviously, there was no WMD and has been labeled illegal by Geneva or whatever they were ‘looking for’ in that area is nowhere to be found.

    There simply was not enough ‘human beings’ to fight the war in the first place. And the military knew this from the beginning of a war. A particular delay for coming home has been built on lies on the basis that ‘everything is good’. Dying without hope of ever coming home is pointless for the soldiers nor is death any better comfort for the family members left behind.

    Probing and then dismissing any case by the ‘vice’ on the grounds of, once again, secrecy is no good but this example is by far an outcry that ‘inflames’ my resolve like an untreated hemorrhoid. I did read of an Asian who is instead sentenced to ten (10) years on this related issue.

    By tradition, both the CIA and the military perform their jobs under orders without question. In the past, this would include the the deprivation of food, water and shelter as cruel and inhumane treatment, which has already been a violation of the ‘Gene-Eva’.

    There is no point to ban torture in interrogation by the ‘president’, who could have utilized other methods, such as hypnosis or perhaps laughing gas. The laughable imagery is almost like having that colonoscopy without anesthesia.

    As with anesthesia, some people wake up. Those who wake up would have a recovery period with some pain medication. Those who don’t wake up are probably better off not knowing what adventures may lie ahead. Either way, ‘it’s all good,’ right?

    Copyright © FVDF. All rights reserved.

  • 20071111-Searched Fart

    Searched by Topic and found the word: fart.

    Searched by Topic and did not find the word: fart.